admittedly, i’ve been blaming God for what i perceive as a huge downturn in life. not that i go around screaming at him. there are feeling that i have been harboring inside.
if God is so good, why am i suffering? it’s a question i’m sure a lot of people have asked.
last night, i talked to a friend and told her that i felt the universe was against me. it’s a sentiment i’ve felt time and time before. as i talked to her, deeper feelings became unseated, floating to the surface. what i feel and know are two different things. i know that i’m to blame for my mistakes, but sometimes i feel like i just can’t win. even then, i wonder if i’m seeing things clearly or through a foggy mirror — is it just negative thinking or am i really cursed?
looking around me, i have so much to be thankful for. i have a roof over my head, both parents, and enough stuff to keep me entertained for months. still, i look at the things i lack. i want a better relationship with my parents. i want to be with my girlfriend who is currently in canada. i want a job that will support me through school.
it looks like the road ahead will involve a long steep uphill climb. my relationship with my mother is difficult to say the least, my girlfriend isn’t so sure about our relationship, and the economy is hurting. because of this, i feel like God is slighting me, though i know that’s not the case.
one thing that came to my mind these past few nights was a thought: wait on the Lord. it looks like shadow will have a permanent home with a friend of mine who’s willing to adopt her. if it works out, then it could be the answer to one of my prayers. that phone call happened as i looked to ship shadow back to korea to jeff. it happened on God’s time.
situations are what we think they are, but if we knew how everything would end up, would we hurt so much? i spent yesterday at home, worrying. if i knew that mrs. miranda would call, i would have gone to san jose with gabe and watched avatar. Jesus asked, “and which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?”
i know i need to seek first the kingdom of God. i know it’s the truth. with the current economic crisis, it’s harder for me to trust that He will provide, but He has, time and time again. so, why do i shake? why do i falter?
i once read something about the priorities of people changing because of the economic strife. these hard times showed them that there are more important things than money. i’m learning that time goes by whether we want it to stop or fast forward. it just moves at its pace. i know i missed out on a lot. i’ve hurt people who have had to live with that pain for some time. i’ve been reckless, i’ve taken for granted what i did have. i’ve made a lot of mistakes. i could have saved more money, i could have taken more jobs, i could have…
but i didn’t. and here i am, in that old place again, down on my face again. the question is, will i look up to the one who can help me or deny Him. these feelings of doubt and anger may stir, but in maturing, i know i must hold on to what i know is the truth, to count on the promises made, and to stand strong. in doing this, my faith will be strengthened, i will overcome, and i will glorify God. in the kingdom of God, there is no blame, and where there is failure, there is an overwhelming love that covers wrongs.
sometimes, we rail against the powers that be for the situations we’re placed in. sometimes, i blame God for the problems i face in life.
stuck at home, unemployed. i’m thinking of going to korea. it sounds so familiar.
two years ago, i hopped on that plane with my eyes set on becoming independent. i thought i would only be gone one year, but i took another position as an r&d editor at a second company a month after i finished my contract. after thoroughly getting worked, i decided it was time to come back. the decision wasn’t made in a vacuum. i wasn’t getting any good offers, i began to miss home, and my mom was sick. it was time to return to reality.
what have a learned? reality is bleak. today, i learned that shadow, my cat, needs a new home. i would gladly take her in, but my mom told me that having a cat would kill her. my life is a korean drama, and i feel destined to suffer for a very long time.
not that i believe my mom will pass away cat or no cat. she shows signs of improvement, but isn’t well enough to leave the house. since i have nowhere to go and no money to spend if i ever did get beyond the door of this house, i’m consigned to sudden parental intrusions. only recently did my mother begin a good habit of knocking on the door. it’s not that i’m doing anything illicit — sometimes, i just want to be alone.
what i don’t want is to be unemployed and broke, not this time at this moment. the future is waiting, and it’s not free. film school will cost a fortune, and so will getting married. the wedding won’t happen until i make enough money to impress the future in-laws, so who knows how long it’s going to take? i can’t relax. i can’t enjoy not working. it’s not a vacation if there’s a clock reminding you that the really good stuff is that much further out of reach.
so today, i applied to a job in canada. i also applied to a website that pays people to write articles. one of the example articles looked like the author just took a pre-existing piece from another site and rewrote it in his own words.
i could do that job.
will i get accepted? probably not. i would rather not get my hopes up. if i get it, then i’ll be so surprised that it will make me feel better than it should. if i get rejected — oh, well, knew it was coming.
and shadow, just got a call from joaquin’s mother who said it would be better if they adopted her. it’s a strange twist. family who doesn’t own cat can’t keep cat because of liability issues. solution: give cat to family. it’s life. it’s strange, it’s chaotic and sensible all at the same time which makes it more chaotic.
if anyone is out there looking for someone who will give 100%, who is efficient, open-minded, eager, and desperate for work — i want a chance. give me a chance to earn something for myself, for a future family. i can do anything, God willing, that i put my mind to. i need to prove myself in a selfish unselfish way. just, someone, give me a f*king chance.
i lost my last $100 betting college and football games. i tailed a bettor on some of his plays, and it ended up destroying me. lesson: you should be very careful about tailing people.
last night, before the sunday football games, i put in another $100. it was a frustration play. i’ve been looking for a job, and working for my parents seemed less like a viable option after my mom decided not to pay me the full amount for working a week at the store.
i spent the entire $100 that night. i misplayed one bet (never went through), and i lost the one bet that did go through on a ufc fight. first night, i was 0-1.
sunday rolled up, i got out of bed early for a photoshoot that got canceled, then i tried to go back to sleep. i checked the scores before i left the house to drop off my mom at the store. on the way to church, i kept an eye on the road and one eye on my iphone for scores. i listened to sports radio for updates.
after the first block of games, i’d won most of my bets. i watched the last of the cowboys vs. chargers game at quin’s house with his dad. i needed the chargers to win because they were the underdog +160 moneyline. they were also one of the teams in my 10-team parlay bet, but the raiders were losing by a big margin, and i gave up on that one.
then, john picked me up. i checked my bets again and realized i never picked the raiders on the parlay bet. with $5 and a charger win, i picked up $350. i couldn’t believe it. i finished the day with a 7-3 record with a total of $495.13.
today, football finally made sense. to me.
