i’m 29 years old. i live with my parents. my day consists of playing video games with my other unemployed friends, betting on sports, and trying to save what money i have left.
prospects. i’m waiting on motorola to give me a phone call in the next 24 hours. if i get a call, it means i’ll be working the late shift from 5pm to 1:30am. i’m expected to give 100% of that time to motorola. i’m also going to be putting in three hours to commuter karaoke. singing along to the songs on my iphone to and from work. it’ll be the best part of my day.
maybe, i should move. it will get me closer to work. it will give me more time for school. i have to raise my gpa if i’m going to film school. film school. maybe, not a good idea. not an easy idea, for sure. gotta go to school and get good grades. no career right now. i’m too old not to have a career. i’m too old to be chasing this dream. too old and too poor.
have to return to korea to film my script. script’s not even finished. lazy? i don’t know. just feeling like a failure. been spending my money. don’t know how to save. wrong choices. don’t feel like deciding anymore. things turn out so wrong. my life is tragic.
parents driving me crazy. can’t sleep because they wake me up early in the morning asking me if i want breakfast. i never eat breakfast, but they keep asking. i took a nap. mom woke me up and asked me if i wanted lunch.
i just want to sleep.
in a covers game, i went 11-3 today. not bad. i put real money on three of those games. lost two. which one did i win? the one i bet the least money on. what happened to the clippers? heard they were averaging 27 points in the fourth quarter in the past however many games. they just needed to win by 3 today. i bet on them. they scored a dismal 10 points in the fourth quarter against the oklahoma city thunder. they lost. i lost. we lost.
i just want to succeed. in something. i want things to go as planned. i want my remote control to stay on my desk. why is it always falling?
i wish i could predict the future. then, nothing would surprise me. i’m always being surprised. surprised that things don’t seem to make sense to me. surprised that i take so much for granted. surprised because 1+1=3. always, there’s a detail i miss. or something i should have remembered. or something else i did wrong. always. wrong.
so, tomorrow, i won’t be surprised if my phone decides to stop working. i won’t be surprised if my car breaks down. won’t be surprised if a tornado sweeps me up and drops me off in the land of oz. when i meet the scarecrow, the cowardly lion, and the tin man, i’ll feel right at home.
cos we’re losers.
i think i’m depressed.
for weeks, i’ve felt like the universe’s pincushion. maybe it’s a loser’s mentality, or maybe i’m just tired of being in the place i’m in. i’m almost 30. that’s huge. when i was a teen, i didn’t want to live past 40. i had a mid-life crisis at 20 because i didn’t conquer anything.
i’m still in that same sort of place. the kind of place where you think, hey, i thought things would be different. i thought i’d be somebody i’d be proud of.
this saturday is huge for me. it’s an interview for a copywriter/editor position with motorola. pay isn’t that great, but it would look great on my resume. i’m sure, if they gave me the job, that i’d wow them. i’m good at what i do. i really think so.
i want to move out. i want to be able to pay for my own things. i want my mom to stop giving me $20 every time i leave the house. i don’t ask for it. when she sees me dressed and ready to go, she grabs a bill out of her purse and meets me by the door. for the past few weeks, i haven’t really spoken to her. i don’t know how to reach her — to tell her, Mom, can you stop telling me what to do all the time?
“you should work for city hall. your aunt wants to introduce you to a nice girl. you should be more active. you should eat more. you should go visit your friends. you should sleep less. you should come home early. you should eat well.”
i know she means well, but i’ve been meaning to get this job and leave without a word. i want to disappear. for the first time in years, i feel like i can’t depend on anyone.
so, yeah, i think i’m depressed. it’s funny how feelings will dictate how my day will go. i wish i was stronger. i wish i was better. when i’m older, i’ll look back, and i’ll wish i could kick my own ass.
roland emmerich is afraid of fatwa(link)
i’m not into religion bashing. just not my thing. what people choose to believe in is their choice. i’m a practicing christian (who, admittedly, fails at it a lot), so i understand the need to believe in someone/something. i also understand people who get a little testy when others bring religion up, especially in cases of people pushing the issue when it’s not warranted — i once picked a fight with two unsolicited mormons who came by the house and told me jesus was wrong.
what?
so, when a coworker asked me to sing imagine by john lennon with her at a karaoke joint, i declined. i didn’t want to imagine a world where my God didn’t exist. sorry, no thanks. and i didn’t want to imagine a world without faith, hope, or beliefs because someone felt offended by some joker with a few screws loose who decides to wage a war in some god’s name. faith, along with hope and love, is a human right. let’s imagine people didn’t love. then, we wouldn’t have people like that astronaut(link) who took a 900-mile road trip wearing a diaper to kidnap her lover’s other lover.
we should ban love. it hurts people too.
there has been a tremendous backlash against religion. when i say religion, i mean christianity. nobody says buddha’s name in vain. that’s not a swastika on bad religion’s cross buster t-shirt. when yoko ono ripped pages out of a religious book, it wasn’t the koran. (she did apologize somewhat by saying she was spreading the message of God, but a part of me thinks she’s being sarcastic.)
and when the movie 2012 comes out, you’ll get to see the vatican roll on top of believers, and you’ll also see the christ the redeemer statue disintegrate because roland emmerich of independence day, godzilla, and the day after tomorrow fame is against organized religion. he is, however, afraid of fatwas which means he won’t be killing a bunch of muslims in some sort of ironic twist in his newest movie.
i see a lot of ironies in this. emmerich is taking advantage of a situation where people of a specific religion (christianity), who are for the most part peaceful, won’t do more than protest him for being hateful towards their beliefs. after all is said and done, emmerich might get a few calls and rude emails from some concerned christians, but he won’t, however, tempt the muslim religious leaders into ordering his death via fatwa. nope. emmerich and his writer didn’t want to offend any muslim leaders who couldn’t see a fictional movie for what it really is. i am in agreement that no one should die because of a movie, and i’m not going to call emmerich a coward for not wanting to offend muslims. i will call call him a coward for offending everyone else who believes in something. we are all entitled to our own opinions, and we are free under the first amendment to express them. we’re also free to hold others accountable when they use those rights for selfish gain.
probably the most ironic thing about this is that the same amendment that gives emmerich the right to offend my faith gave me the right to have faith.
