there’s a clamor in your whispering tonight…
I grow tired of writing songs
Where people listen but never hear what’s really going on now
Tell me what’s so wrong now
- a whisper and a clamor / anberlin
i have this problem. every time i don’t have a pen or something to write on, i get these really deep thoughts that i want to keep. besides last sunday, when i was writing verses i sort of liked, i haven’t been able to write anything that i didn’t want to erase a few days later.
tonight, i watched joe struggle with his girlfriend. i think joe struggles with girls in general. i don’t think he’s realized what it takes to be in a relationship. i think joe’s a great guy. he’s warm, funny, outgoing — but when it comes to being in a relationship, he’s a bit lost.
am i unjustly judging? were he to read this, i wonder what he’d say. i told mina, “he’s one of those guys who learns from trauma.” it’s the way i’ve learned things.
it brings me to mind the saying: you don’t know what you got till it’s gone. joe’s story isn’t unique. we learn from our mistakes. sometimes, i feel like i make mistakes on purpose.
anyways, joe’s going out with a vegan. i thought vegans refused to eat based on morals, the whole “i don’t eat animals cos they’re people too” type of sentiment that i sometimes get frustrated with, and won’t get into right now. but kacie’s different: she doesn’t like the taste of meat. she doesn’t eat ice cream. she can’t eat dairy products because they make her break out. joe’s her opposite. he loves food. he loves cooking.
“she lets me cook chicken at her place. not fried. just chicken.”
after arriving late, not introducing her to his friends and generally ignoring her during dinner, i watched him argue with mina over why his vegan girlfriend was upset. kacie left laura’s 30th birthday dinner party a little upset. i watched her argue with joe about taking the subway (he wanted her to cab it), and i could feel she wanted him to leave with her. i could understand why she felt out of place — we were at carne station, an alcohol and meat buffet
“she said she was fine,” joe said.
“joe, you might not think you’ve done wrong, but when you’re in a relationship, it’s not about just your feelings,” i said to him. i wonder if that’s why i refuse to date. maybe i’m a little too self-centered, too afraid of letting someone else into this circle.
at one point during the evening, while julia walked around taking pictures, she sat next to me. “can you pretend you’re enjoying yourself here?” she asked. my face can be too honest, more than i’d like to admit. as much as i try to pretend, i’ve already come to the realization that i’m no real shapeshifter.
i did enjoy the argument between joe and mina that hit boiling when mina found out that kacie lugged joe’s new computer home.
“it’s your f*king computer! you take your f*king computer home!” she screamed. it was like watching a college student teach calculus to an elementary student. it didn’t seem like joe was getting reached.
outside on the street, after dinner, julia tried to defend joe. “he’s getting his. don’t worry. you’re getting yours, right?”
“mmm, what do you think?” he said, sounding dejected.
“aww! aww!” julia moaned. we all laughed at the nail getting hit on the head. to me, it asked the question, “Why?” Why would two people, seemingly incompatible, commit themselves to a relationship. at home i began to think about my own status as bachelor-forever. didn’t i just walk justine home? how does she feel about me?
i wonder why women are the way that they are (in my perspective of them)? what do they want from us men?
what do i want? i want to be pursued. i want to sit at the end of a booth, and have some pretty girl do whatever she could to get to me. i want to say things and see how she acts when i drop a hint. i want her to ask me what i’m doing on the weekend and invite herself to wherever i’m going.
yeah. i know. the irony.
