you ever have those days…

i think i’m depressed.

for weeks, i’ve felt like the universe’s pincushion. maybe it’s a loser’s mentality, or maybe i’m just tired of being in the place i’m in. i’m almost 30. that’s huge. when i was a teen, i didn’t want to live past 40. i had a mid-life crisis at 20 because i didn’t conquer anything.

i’m still in that same sort of place. the kind of place where you think, hey, i thought things would be different. i thought i’d be somebody i’d be proud of.

this saturday is huge for me. it’s an interview for a copywriter/editor position with motorola. pay isn’t that great, but it would look great on my resume. i’m sure, if they gave me the job, that i’d wow them. i’m good at what i do. i really think so.

i want to move out. i want to be able to pay for my own things. i want my mom to stop giving me $20 every time i leave the house. i don’t ask for it. when she sees me dressed and ready to go, she grabs a bill out of her purse and meets me by the door. for the past few weeks, i haven’t really spoken to her. i don’t know how to reach her — to tell her, Mom, can you stop telling me what to do all the time?

“you should work for city hall. your aunt wants to introduce you to a nice girl. you should be more active. you should eat more. you should go visit your friends. you should sleep less. you should come home early. you should eat well.”

i know she means well, but i’ve been meaning to get this job and leave without a word. i want to disappear. for the first time in years, i feel like i can’t depend on anyone.

so, yeah, i think i’m depressed. it’s funny how feelings will dictate how my day will go. i wish i was stronger. i wish i was better. when i’m older, i’ll look back, and i’ll wish i could kick my own ass.